Forget Coffee...the New Caffeine Rush
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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Forget Coffee...the New Caffeine Rush

Dear rue Grange aux Belles, look out...
The irony wasn't lost on me as I ran across this scenario in my neighborhood.  The driver of a Red Bull promotional car taking a coffee break at a Parisian café.  Caffeine much?

I don't know if the irony lies in the fact that a Parisian café is the watering hole for caffeine-addicts or if no café waiter ever seems remotely energized, at least not enough to get your bill to you in under fifteen minutes.

Regardless, giving away Red Bull all day in Paris must be exhausting and, of course, requires a coffee break to refresh.  If you had to choose between Parisian coffee and Red Bull, which would you choose? 

Red Bull isn't new to France, but I hadn't seen these cars around town.  But I got to thinking, why would any Parisian need a Red Bull?  What benefits are in it for a Frenchman?  A quick look at the "numerous scientific studies" on the drink shows that the product does have an effect on the body, but the company's website fails to mention any negative cardiovascular effects that may exist.  How do the "positive" effects, however, apply to Parisians?  More importantly, is the marketing campaign working?  Well let's take a look...

Increases performance
Absolutely.  Red Bull helps Parisians make it through the grueling 35-hour work week and hour-long lunch breaks without lagging in productivity.  They are among the most productive workers in the world, after all.  How do you think they pulled that off?  Weeks upon weeks of vacation?  No way.

Increases concentration and reaction speed
Of course Parisians rely on Red Bull for their reaction speed.  Each time I shout, “pardon” in the streets as a group of people fails to make room on the miniscule sidewalk or whenever I look longingly at the man behind whatever bureaucratic desk I’m waiting in front of, the five minute delay is due to a lack of Red Bull.  Any delay of reaction is due to Parisians who need caffeine.  Forget the tiny espressos.  Red Bull, please.

Improves vigilance
This couldn’t be truer.  Parisians are among the most vigilant cultures because of Red Bull.  They quality-check their wines, they give awards to their bread, and they painstakingly primp before any trip outside of their apartments.  They watch over the most important parts of their culture.  But that dog poop on the street?  Chalk up this lack of vigilance to a lack of Red Bull.  Marketing managers take note, target the dog walkers.

Stimulates metabolism
Red wine, sensible portions, lots of exercise, and a moratorium on snacking – these are why Parisians are so thin, right?  Wrong.  It’s Red Bull.  Parisians drink Red Bull to stay skinny, and you should, too.

Makes you feel more energetic and thus improves your overall well-being
It’s not the indulgent Nutella that gives them energy, nor do the stress-free daily walks to the markets for fresh vegetables certainly contribute to well-being.  It’s not the relaxed nature of this cosmopolitan yet quaint metropolis bursting with cultural opportunities and historical wonder.  It’s Red Bull.  Parisian well-being comes from Red Bull.

I think that sums it up pretty nicely.  Paris needs Red Bull.  But now I’m just wondering if you can have Red Bull with red meat OR chicken…it just doesn’t seem right…  

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